It starts with accumulation of silence. Unsaid feelings and inner truths. Then comes the no-believe in the future. I may not be a really positive person, but I do believe in my happy future because I deserve it and I work for it.
... I fight for the things I love and need. I always will do.
I just need a clear aim and I conquer.
I still dream about the small house in the mountain and the black-white border collie. A fireplace. A big and cosy chair. Alone and isolated faraway from all the people. With a friend. A true one who never will desert me. A dogs year.
I still remember the pain you felt when you were deserted. As I do remember the joy.
Society is overrated. I do not crave it. I still prefer the security of my own home, the comfortable sofa with many pillows... or the intimacy of your home, with its chaos and unruly mess. I long for that.
Even if I stay near, I feel like you would not call me any more. I am patient. Still... is there a reason to stay if you won't call me and you don't need my presence around you?
Alienating. I will not give up. I need to feel the passion.
Yesterday called one of my old "friends"... 6 years with no touch at all between us. He said that hearing my voice brings him hope. I, the hopeless. Me. I, the bright and warm. Me again. He said I am like light, that I will get far and he is so proud of me. I, who never quit. Me.
"I love you" whispered in your ear by the person you hold means so much more than all the theories about personalities and intimate success.
Also yesterday I explained to my mother why I still cling in this situation. Then she asked me if I will beg at the end. I want to believe that I won't.
I want Christmas. And I have only one wish... Imagine that.