петък, ноември 25, 2011

Cracking silence


I lie in my bed. It is an early morning and last night was restless. Again. No sleep for me even thought I try hard to get some. Everybody around me says that I am looking tired and weak. I am. I tend to lose balance and conciousness while walking alone on the street so I try always to be with someone. 

Crack, crack, crack...

I imagine the ring tone of my phone. Or the beeping sound of skype. Then I start to thing about the little things just to pass time until the morning. Like why I never got a special melody... Strange thought. Never mind it. Or when I was left alone even when we had a deal to do something together... another one... when you said that I wasn't helping with the cooking while I was washing the dishes in the other kitchen listening to your ringing phone... as I said never mind. I wanted to do those things. I still want to.

Crack, crack, crack...

I thought in some moment that my love is transparent and visible even in the smallest things that I have done. Like coming to hold you for a while when you are sleeping and the rest of your family is at the table. Or just staying to the small hours in the night so to have a little bit more time with you. Or trying to hold your hand at every single moment when we are somewhere. Kissing your eyelids and drinking your tears even thought my soul was screaming from inside and then saying that everything is going to be fine. It wasn't a lie. You are going to be fine. I am already damaged.

Crack, crack, crack...

My tears when you were rude with me because you were searching for reasons to strip me bared and analyse me. And I left you to do it hoping that at least this would bring you some satisfaction and calmness. My want to hide, to withdraw in my shell and in the same time to be in your arms solely. My smile when I feel your heartbeat. My want to live my life next to you, to care and to see some of your dreams fulfilled.

Crack...

Some time ago an really old man said to me that as my name means light I will be devoted to bring light and warmness to the people around me. And then added that I need to choose wisely who to nurse close to my soul, because you know, I won't be able to spread light over myself. A paradox. Sad but so true. He also added the thought that had always guided me: You are as fragile and strong as swan, my darling. 

Crack...

When they choose their partner swans mate for life, don't they?

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