Long time passes by my soul unnoticed. I grow up in size and get smaller from the inside. My soul curls around the Wonderland I invented for second time and it hurts. Just to remind me how stupid I was to hope. And obviously I still am while risking my self-esteem and my want, and lust, my dreams and my innocence, my body, my blood, my future for something self invented, egoistic and flawed.
I am blinded. Because I know everything. Every single word around me makes me doubt and my trust is long gone from me. I am empty shell as I should be. A carrier, a body, lifeless cells and mass for a brain that tick-tаcks and a frozen heart. It is interesting to see how the light in my eyes really dies in a split second revolving around only one question "Why again?". May be I am really destined to greater goods and deeds but that doesn't excuse the existence of my agony right now. Should I see this as a thought of a Wiser Being that prepares me for them? Or it is only the sad irony of life and that bitch named "love"?
Surely I am mad.
Now I do not know what to do. Is it worth it? To fight for a water mirage with a perfect illusion? Is the unachievable so tempting... who am I to judge after all said and done. I am not so very perfect like everybody else, shall I stop believing in people's truth. Or just grab my coat and stray into the cold night to wander until I find my peace?
In another time and universe, I was thinking I was like Alice in Wonderland. Happily unaware of the coldness, a bitter-sweet childish play... Now I know: the Mad Hatter is more like me than anybody else in that story. Sad but true.