сряда, юни 22, 2011
вторник, юни 14, 2011
As I see it the world is all vain. With another night with no sleep this time I managed to wake up at 11: 20 and even better, find strength to get up from my bed. At least for today I found some real work to do that will keep me occupied for a good couple of hours. Surely yesterday was awful day not only for my tired condition, nor the news. I was so beaten by myself. I always do it and with the years it is getting worse. The tears after all are good sleep medication.
But lets go back to the vanity. Is there anybody who doesn't want to be beautiful? Who doesn't want to be admired by the rest? I know I want to be that way. Vanity is a condition. It won't go away. Vanity is what keeps us anchored to the reality. It is the propulsive force that keeps us moving forward, that sets goals, that makes you evolve. What better way to impress if you are stronger, self-conscious person.
So here is, my dear seven deadly sins, I am vain.
In a matter of fact people are quite egoistic creatures. I am and I do not feel ashamed to share it with the world. That is why I do not judge another egoistic creature for the choices he/she makes. After all we search for the same thing: happiness. No matter the way we need to achieve it and overcome our current situation or ...
Surely, my inner voice interrupts me, but that doesn't means that you can't be hateful. You could always blame it on them. You can blame for your lack of determination, you can swear that you risked, you can just close yourself rethinking. Or else...
As I stay in front of my laptop which is basically my only real tangible friend I ask myself does it actually feel good to suffer from your own stupidity. I will repay my debt with some misery and hunger, hell, it will be hard and I know it... but after all it is deserved. I have decided to share something meaningful after all. I hate to be lied. Oh, in the name of all omnipresent force, I hate, hate,hate to be lied...
And I hate to be misguided in any way. It provokes my thinking and analysing and that, my friends, is never a good thing. I cannot change this, but for me it is the worst type of lie. If you don't think something just don't say it. Do not repeat it like it is a f#$%ing mantra or something. That is why today I am egoistically hateful. It won't pass. I have tried to cry my eyes out. Nothing is helping in this case of self-destructing loathing except of my perfect plan to just hide away which I intend to do as soon as possible.
If I sound confusing it is from the lack of proper sleep. Sadly as I see it it is a future insomnia in developing... so I ask for double reading. It helps sometimes.
понеделник, юни 13, 2011
I lay my tired body in my bed. As I am alone and it will be so for the next couple of months I tend to stay up until the small hours of the day. The sheets offer comforting but subtle hug over my legs. I shift my position over and over again. This night as many before her, the sleep has deserted me. Or shall I say morning... the light outside is almost visible, tangible between the white linen curtains.
...oh, how I long to bath in this soft caress. The engulfing promise that everything is going to be all-right just for me this time. The touch of fingertips over my backside that share the love for the whole me. The me that comes as one... with curves, dimples, smooth skin, unmistakeable aroma of peaches and vanilla...
I shift again in my confined space. Satin-like sheets and creamy underwear that is my choice for the long lonely summer nights. I hear the noises of the awakening city below me. Birds sing for their lovers, first passing cars, the rolling curtains of the windows. It soothes me somehow to know that there is life out there although it is not a welcoming one for me.
... there is no problem to find that caress. I would do it myself, eyes closed... dreaming for somebody else. It never helps, though it makes the condition more bearable for few minutes...
Surely there is something I could do. Maybe I can just get up, do my training and go out. I can go and lay in the park alone.Or go to the beach so I could propose a view for the German tourists here. Or pass through my living district to get flaunted and hear the not-so-pretty comments... why not? After all I am a loner, am I?
photo:me...and me again.