вторник, април 05, 2011

I am a mess...

This one has no order. My thoughts are relentless, ranting and running trough my head so fast that I don't see a point to write all of them...

Like I didn't knew it before. I am a mess. Emotionally I am at the bare edge of big depression. And when I say big I mean a nasty, long, sleepless, painful journey. God, right now I hate this country, I hate it medical system, I hate myself, I hate the whole world and I want to hurt someone badly and aaaargh, maybe I will take all over myself again! Because I am stupid, uncontrolled idiot!

My body is deserting me... for the last three days I broke more things than the whole last year. My fingers tremble and do not listen to me. My arms are weak. My legs hurt from nothing. I am like a balloon full of hot air. Light but with no control. My sight is merging the focal points and the space is changing all around me.

I feel useless and deserted. And alone. The only thing that was holding me these days is gone. And I am so tired...so,so tired. And I want a hug, and laugh with my friends, and somebody who cares for me. I want home. I want... I count every day and just wait for the next to come. I am bored to death, overwhelmed with work to do and with no desire for anything apart of seeing the end of this... apart of this I am troubled for myself and my future. 

14 days more...10 days more... then 10 days at home...then another 3 months here far away from my place...

And I feel guilty... I feel ungrateful towards all the things that my family does for me. I feel out of place. I hate the people here. I don't have anybody to talk with. I pass my time with earphones listening to the same songs over and over again. I am starting to hate them. I reread my old posts, I search for my talismans. I cry in the metro and under the hot water in the shower. No desire to get out of my bed, no need to go out, a never-ending hunger and nausea. And all I can do is wait. And I wait. And wait. And wait. And wait...

So what I do? I try to sleep but there is only staring at my ceiling, I eat chocolate and spit the last chew on the ground because everything is tasteless, I search company and find it nowhere.

That's it. I am reduced to a bloody mess. Will someone put me out of my misery?

2 коментара:

  1. oh, I know this feeling. I've been in Vienna for 3 years now and this feeling comes and goes. I've been like this for the past couple of weeks. Work, money, study and everything else is just too much sometimes, especially when there's no one to comfort you.
    I probably can't help you feel better, but still I give you a mental hug and wish you that the feeling passes by more quickly.
    Then you will have a wonderful time in Bulgaria and then the coming back part is a little hard, but that will also pass.
    Just relax and don't be too hard on yourself!
    P.S. the feeling that your family does everything for you and you don't give enough back and you feel like a total disappointment - I hate that one so much...

  2. So true... thank you for the hug! I really need more hugs now. :")