понеделник, ноември 08, 2010

Mein Herz Brennt...

There is no Sandman to collect my hot tears...

There is actually no one. Even I do not want to be in this self constructed cell. In my room I am the only warm and breathing thing. And it will be like this many more nights. I endure them in my self made world of dreams but sometimes I feel so tired that it is impossible to maintain the fantasy. 

And my heart burns...

Yes. And this is such moment. Sometimes I would like to let go and flow with my depression because in her I create the most beautiful and meaningful things, in her am a fish in water, in her I bloom and progress as I search for the divine balance... am a sad person? Or a happy one? Am I what I was? I lay with my closed eyes and listen to my music. She flows all around me and gives me tender kisses, she takes away my pain and recreates me so on the next day I am again complete. But everything starts again when the dark falls. My music, my self-made world and the inhuman want to be home. Home is where your heart is, the people say. Does that means that my heart is currently shredded to little pieces all over the world? Will these pieces glue again together? Will they fuse?

Even if they do, the scars will be visible...

My duality is showing through. My hell is breaking loose. My heart blackmails me. My longing is so intense. What will happen when my sad soul pour over you? Will you listen? Will you see then the happy, dancing, calm woman in me... when there will be none. 
...and when I hear the joy of other I feel anguish and hate. I want to get away... really away. I want to cry with screams but they will hear. I want to hurt myself just to have the right to do it. 

I want you to see the ghost. She might wave you back after all...

I am the living proof what happens when you left a really closed introvert in a situation which she doesn't like but knows that has to endure for her own good. 

Clench your fists and beat the wall until you bleed, burn yourself in the fire, strangle yourself in the sheets...procreate in your inner pain.