сряда, август 18, 2010

I confess... Family Affair, Moods, Fear and Pain

I am feeling somewhat weak and bad. It is an inner projection of my scarce scary thoughts. I tend to think too much lately and desperately try to hide it away. But it doesn't always work this way. Some thoughts and fears want to come out. So I will let them out here.

Like drops of water which reflect the light and make it a rainbow I have one truly dear to me person. I have been there for him all my life, I protected him, I was saved by him, I love him, I will gladly die for him if needed and I know for sure that he will too, he is my shining light, my savior and pain sometimes, my greatest worries and my calm salvation,  he is my clear judgement in need of decision, my flesh and bone, my soul mate, my one and only.He is not perfect, neither am I. We fight sometimes, we do not agree one with another. We have strange ways for expressing our love but we know undoubtedly that it is there. When I need to cry I run to him, when I need to be soothed I go into his arms. He knows me better and sees through me. We do not share our secrets, we do not talk too much, we do not expect fake smiles. We show our anger and our feelings, we have ways to let the other just know...and now I will be leaving. I will be far away from him for the first time in my life. And, God! I am so scared! In such pain. My misery tastes like the salt of my silent tears over my lips...because I weep in agony as I write this...because I know that I will miss him more than air, I will miss his smile, his cocky demeanor, his wit and wisdom, his strong hands and bass voice. I fear for myself...because without him I really am lost.

He won't read this. He doesn't know about it. And I won't tell him.

I am distressed. Apart of these feelings I shall confess that I am in physical pain. My throat still aches a little. My headache is so strong that I lose my balance sometimes. My body muscles hurt badly, my neck, ribs, back and neck are too sensitive right now. So as I try to escape this pain I sleep through the day and stay awake to the early morning hours... combine this with the unbearable heat that is everywhere and you will get one really pissed version of me. I want rain and clean air. The dust that is covering the city is awful. The sun is blinding, the sky grayish, the streets too hard to cross...

So what options are there for me? To stay and stare in one point or to let myself go just for a couple of hours and forget it all... for a little. Then it all comes back. Strong and violent. Today I was asked what is "domination and control", a tagline that stays on my Skype... And I will tell. A couple years ago I played Guild Wars and chose to be a mesmer, a powerful class who controls with domination, control, illusions and fears.Otherwise harmless and weak the mesmer was the real metaphor of my existence because to this day I still try to control every aspect of my life. And I always get what I want without naming it. I still do. I hate calling things, I hate telling what my feelings are...and I still play Guild wars when I need a way to let out the steam...

...and I smile sometimes.

photos: lost and taken free textures

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