сряда, август 18, 2010

I confess... Family Affair, Moods, Fear and Pain

I am feeling somewhat weak and bad. It is an inner projection of my scarce scary thoughts. I tend to think too much lately and desperately try to hide it away. But it doesn't always work this way. Some thoughts and fears want to come out. So I will let them out here.

Like drops of water which reflect the light and make it a rainbow I have one truly dear to me person. I have been there for him all my life, I protected him, I was saved by him, I love him, I will gladly die for him if needed and I know for sure that he will too, he is my shining light, my savior and pain sometimes, my greatest worries and my calm salvation,  he is my clear judgement in need of decision, my flesh and bone, my soul mate, my one and only.He is not perfect, neither am I. We fight sometimes, we do not agree one with another. We have strange ways for expressing our love but we know undoubtedly that it is there. When I need to cry I run to him, when I need to be soothed I go into his arms. He knows me better and sees through me. We do not share our secrets, we do not talk too much, we do not expect fake smiles. We show our anger and our feelings, we have ways to let the other just know...and now I will be leaving. I will be far away from him for the first time in my life. And, God! I am so scared! In such pain. My misery tastes like the salt of my silent tears over my lips...because I weep in agony as I write this...because I know that I will miss him more than air, I will miss his smile, his cocky demeanor, his wit and wisdom, his strong hands and bass voice. I fear for myself...because without him I really am lost.

He won't read this. He doesn't know about it. And I won't tell him.

I am distressed. Apart of these feelings I shall confess that I am in physical pain. My throat still aches a little. My headache is so strong that I lose my balance sometimes. My body muscles hurt badly, my neck, ribs, back and neck are too sensitive right now. So as I try to escape this pain I sleep through the day and stay awake to the early morning hours... combine this with the unbearable heat that is everywhere and you will get one really pissed version of me. I want rain and clean air. The dust that is covering the city is awful. The sun is blinding, the sky grayish, the streets too hard to cross...

So what options are there for me? To stay and stare in one point or to let myself go just for a couple of hours and forget it all... for a little. Then it all comes back. Strong and violent. Today I was asked what is "domination and control", a tagline that stays on my Skype... And I will tell. A couple years ago I played Guild Wars and chose to be a mesmer, a powerful class who controls with domination, control, illusions and fears.Otherwise harmless and weak the mesmer was the real metaphor of my existence because to this day I still try to control every aspect of my life. And I always get what I want without naming it. I still do. I hate calling things, I hate telling what my feelings are...and I still play Guild wars when I need a way to let out the steam...

...and I smile sometimes.

photos: lost and taken free textures

петък, август 13, 2010

Droplets, Falling Stars and me

I stay in my bed in the early morning hours of Friday 13, my throat aches a little, my legs shake uncontrollably... and I just can"t stop smiling. It is a cheerful, sincere, serene smile with all my three dimples showing. Although I really miss my "happy people" I feel so overjoyed now. 

Also I am so calm as I never have been before.

I need, no I must get some sleep because tomorrow (or today) is going to be really long day, but I don't care about this anymore. It was a wonderful night with the man who makes my spine tingle, my knees go weak, my head spin with a single touch and in seconds all my skin is covered in goose bumps. It was an evening with lots of nice chat with new friends, some board games that I enjoy greatly, nice music, tasty food, fantastic homemade Creme Brulee for dessert (kiss the cook!), a trip to the mountain, night view of the city which I love despite everything, beautiful falling stars in a sky with the perfect Milky Way with appropriate soundtrack, hugs, kisses, laying on a blanket, making some great personal wishes (14 more to go!) and warm welcoming bed...

And here I am now. Thinking as always. Questioning myself through this blog. Answering the asked in empty lines and the spaces between these words. I tend to analyze every aspect and think too much over it. Over and over again. Here are they. My random, unsorted, unformulated, uncensored thoughts. Right here, Right now. With a smile over my face. 

It happens- I see some things that I do not want to understand, nor I want to know. There are so many signs that can make me tremble in fear and anticipation. And God I am scared! And God, I miss the only person who can read my soul without my guidance...and I need to talk. I need her advice and reassuring touch. On another side I know that there are only a couple of days left till our meeting and I try to breath slowly...

Is there a way to explain the surge of ultimate happiness and serenity that brings me somebody's aroma? Is there a logical explanation of my reactions at all? All that bitchy crap about the emotional side of the women may be is right! I have never, ever in my life been so emotional, so uncontrolled, so forgiving and so soft. Pure horror. I feel my soul exposed and sometimes even a joke makes my hearth freeze for a second and skip a heartbeat.

Do I really read the opposite standing in front of me or I invent some reality that is far away from the truth?

Or how do I know all the intricate spirals of the laws of attraction? 

How to stop myself from something that I want so badly that it hurts? Is it a must or not to stop? Where are the borders? Does a droplet brake the bent?

I still fear... for many reasons some of which I still can't explain. And I desperately try to avoid this feeling of utterly misery. After all I still smile, my knees still tremble slightly and my skin is filled with the perfect aroma that I crave.
And he is staying here for good...(13 wishes more to go)...

понеделник, август 09, 2010


I'm sick again. For second time in 2 weeks. This time it is quite serious. Even more than the last time. This makes me feel hollow because I have no energy to even get up from my bed. I hate this state for more than one reason. Firstly it brings painful memories from my last operation. Second It makes me rethink one aspect or another of my past life and ... well,it just sucks, to be honest!
My blood cells are too low,so no more sport activities for me. And no other activities as well. I will have to lay in my bed in the middle of my last summer vacation and just do nothing. It may sound good but in reality is so boring and exhausting. My white blood cells are 1.5 times higher than normal and this causes fatigue, high temperature and headache.

Apart of that I have some inner doubts and because I have time to rethink them they take form. I can't describe my fears to their full extends but they consume me slowly. I miss my happy people, those people which presence makes my day joyful and worth living...

The only lovely thing in my life is a pair of greenish eyes...love ya, dzwer!

петък, август 06, 2010


I tried to sleep last night, I even got to my bed earlier. It didn't work. Now I feel even more tired than before... these couple of weeks the sleep is eluding me. I always wake up tired or wake up in the small hours of the day without the ability to sleep after that. 

The last time in which I remember to have slept without a problem was one Saturday afternoon after a very long party. And now as I rethink the situation and  I remember the tender long fingers that traced my forehead, the small giggles and sounds, the caring expression for my bruises... blond curls that tickle my skin when she bends towards me, the easy way of talking and sharing some precious thoughts, reassuring me when I have doubts... I sense the empty cavity in my daily life that this certain person left. And I want it back.

I have the feeling that I need some time for myself with myself... my other alter ego. 


четвъртък, август 05, 2010

Being me after so many years

I found this pending post written in my notebook. I was wondering is it necessary to post it but at the end decided to do so because of some inner doubts. Here it  is. Do not read it! :)

...being me after so many years. It is frightening and intriguing at the same time. Somewhere down deep inside my soul the chill still wanders but I know for sure that I don't care for it anymore. I don't care for many things anymore. 

...feeling the trembling breath on my back, anticipating the pain from the bites. You are quick and you always surprise me, always show me something new and so I wait patiently blinded and still. I know for sure that I would wear your marks all over my tired body. And I want to do it again. Because of the possession, of the self-indulgence in the unknown sensations. Bruises,  blue marks, bite marks, marks from your fingers, marks on my body and soul. Caressing my inner thighs and giving me all the peace of the world. And so I lay still...
...I know that I will wake up earlier but I do not feel sorry about it. The ultimate pleasure is to stay with my eyes tightly closed shut to be there to hear the firsts stirs and the sounds of your awakening...

...and then when I go out the blissful feeling makes my knees weak, a hot wave pushes through my chest and makes me dizzy. And then I stop my pace to catch my breath and control my heartbeat. The pleasure lingers, the aroma is still in the air and the strength of the sensation is just wonderful...

...being me after so many year indeed makes me unique.

date: 30-31.07.2010