I had a wonderful long weekend. These last three days were great in many ways. Apart from my constant deja-vues and alternative endings the time goes in only one direction. Straight ahead. I want a rewind. I want it really badly. Someone who wants to lend me a time machine?
I am outside. Alone. Not physically but in my mind. My head is empty. No thoughts, no hopes, no expectations. As I pull the air painfully in my chest I try to remember how to breathe properly. It is not working. I cross my point of view with a stranger who hides himself in a black hole. He looks back. The lack of emotions is strikingly closer to my being. I close my eyes and as I slowly open them again I realize that I am sitting in a park. Trees, benches, crossing people with small dogs. Everything is so vivid and green. The sky is deep blue, there are few nicely shaped white clouds.
Then it begins to rain. For a moment it crosses my mind to hide somewhere, I discard this thought too fast and turning my face to the sky, my lips curve in a slight smile. Big, slow, heavy drops of water which hitting my skin leave a dark trail on the settled dust behind. I look at the ground, the grass is all around me. It tickles my bared ankles and evokes long forgotten needs. Deep in me, I feel the urge to lay my tired body over it. To sit quietly for five minutes there. To stay still.
I am a damsel in distress. I have to scream for help but the words don't want to come out. As I realize that there is no real need to show my weakness, I see that there is no one who could handle the chaos in me.