сряда, април 28, 2010

Talks about Plans and Dreams?

Well, I had this five hour really interesting talk with one certain person. It rarely occurs with other people apart of  Nev but she doesn't count so...  
Apart of his opinion that I am deeply depressed and from mine that he is too overjoyed (well, this is the truth: I am depressed, he is overjoyed and happy ) we were talking about my dreams or plans,as I call them. I have no dreams. I have wishes and goals, sometimes even a hope that something will happen, but no dreams. Not even a one! I have fears thought and lately they tend to get even stronger. No pink glasses for me this time! But as I was standing alone in my bed and it was around 4 a.m I was wondering.
I don't know why I don't posses any dreaming ability. May be it is just natural and normal or it is a social skill that I can't master. I am not too good with the social things you know. Tolerating people is kind of hard for me. They often annoy me too easy and I just ignore them. Grey masses as I love to say. When I was in Ninth Grade my Psychology teacher said that I am asocial. She wasn't right because I describe myself as antisocial. Sometimes I really fight the urge of killing someone slowly...and I do it mentally still smiling. 
Another paradox. I always smile. Even when I am truly sad and I prefer to scream. My old and good friends say that you can see it in my eyes and there is no need to hide it. My beloved Anda knows that this is part of me somehow. I still do it despite their opinion for the mass of unknown, foreign people. My sadness is all mine and I treasure it. She is like a good friend who is always there and always ready to listen. In the long nights of sleep deprivation and hard work and coffees (I hate coffee, I really do!) my sadness is my own guiding light and power. So personally I prefer to not display her freely but only in front of two or three people. Here I need to clarify that if you had hold me in your arms while I am at the bottom of my own pit you are a special one for me. Forever.
I am what I am. I don't come in variables. It is just that in my all complexity is hard to get to know me. Hell yeah! Even I do not know myself fully. And I do not let people get too close. Never. Ever. Better for their mental health and my own sanity.

As we were talking and I was thinking over his words about the happiness and understanding...everyone has an opinion you know... sometimes I wish that I could change mine.

photo: me

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