сряда, април 28, 2010

My songs...

There are some songs that evoke in me strong emotions, some of them are really close to make me cry when I hear them. As you know I love the voice of Blackie Lawless and Heaven's hung in Black is one of my favorite songs. But here I want to share other type of songs. They are not only my favorite but describe me in so many ways. Here they are with part of the lyrics that I love:

  • I start with In Flames- Evil in a closet. I can listen to this song forever literally. some times I put her on repeat and keep her this way for hours.
Yell at me, I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall
I wish that I could say... I wish that I could be your evil... your evil in a closet
  • Second best and close to me is Deep Purple- When a blind man cries. There is nothing more to say.
I'm a blind man, I'm a blind man and my world is pale.
When a blind man cries, Lord, you know there ain't no sadder tale.
I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains 

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me 

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
You can keep me company as long as you don't care

I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains 

I invite you to be with me when it rains sometimes...

Talks about Plans and Dreams?

Well, I had this five hour really interesting talk with one certain person. It rarely occurs with other people apart of  Nev but she doesn't count so...  
Apart of his opinion that I am deeply depressed and from mine that he is too overjoyed (well, this is the truth: I am depressed, he is overjoyed and happy ) we were talking about my dreams or plans,as I call them. I have no dreams. I have wishes and goals, sometimes even a hope that something will happen, but no dreams. Not even a one! I have fears thought and lately they tend to get even stronger. No pink glasses for me this time! But as I was standing alone in my bed and it was around 4 a.m I was wondering.
I don't know why I don't posses any dreaming ability. May be it is just natural and normal or it is a social skill that I can't master. I am not too good with the social things you know. Tolerating people is kind of hard for me. They often annoy me too easy and I just ignore them. Grey masses as I love to say. When I was in Ninth Grade my Psychology teacher said that I am asocial. She wasn't right because I describe myself as antisocial. Sometimes I really fight the urge of killing someone slowly...and I do it mentally still smiling. 
Another paradox. I always smile. Even when I am truly sad and I prefer to scream. My old and good friends say that you can see it in my eyes and there is no need to hide it. My beloved Anda knows that this is part of me somehow. I still do it despite their opinion for the mass of unknown, foreign people. My sadness is all mine and I treasure it. She is like a good friend who is always there and always ready to listen. In the long nights of sleep deprivation and hard work and coffees (I hate coffee, I really do!) my sadness is my own guiding light and power. So personally I prefer to not display her freely but only in front of two or three people. Here I need to clarify that if you had hold me in your arms while I am at the bottom of my own pit you are a special one for me. Forever.
I am what I am. I don't come in variables. It is just that in my all complexity is hard to get to know me. Hell yeah! Even I do not know myself fully. And I do not let people get too close. Never. Ever. Better for their mental health and my own sanity.

As we were talking and I was thinking over his words about the happiness and understanding...everyone has an opinion you know... sometimes I wish that I could change mine.

photo: me

вторник, април 27, 2010

Old thoughts in a book (part one)

Today I was searching for my long lost PIN code for my credit card at home and by pure incident I found an old notebook full with some of my thoughts about myself and my life. It was put aside with some of my old poems and short stories. As I was reading the text I was purely amazed from the lack of change in my personality these 4 or five years. I guess I am all the same, all the time. Someday 'Gotta stop pretending, but anyway...the book has a name: Walks within me without my presence. There is a short writing from it. More like an introduction.

This is the description of whatever you want.
Me. In all my dimensions.
Good and Bad.
I'll share everything which you might want to know about me.
It is going to be a long list because I am hard personality to understand.
Bipolar and full of paradoxes. Contradicting the reality.

Me. And all about me.A walk in my inner self.
Somewhere there where I do not belong.

I intend to post every single page from it. Part by part. For better understanding...as I said "Someday I Gotta stop pretending" but until this day I will keep on smiling.

четвъртък, април 22, 2010

In a perfect way...only three words

I would like to have the flexibility to describe myself in a perfect way with three words. It is impossible for now. I started a social experiment for this reason. When I see some of my friends I ask them for the three words which cross their minds when they think of me. They often do not want to share their opinion. Can't tell why. Maybe there is a lurking fear that I would not like what they tell me. So if I get a comment it turns out that it is always nice.
To be honest I would not like to be called vain, plain or maybe something else. But I won't be mad about it. (well, this is a little lie...I will be mad as hell for 2 minutes but I won't tell them anyway) I know that I am a lousy loser and I often tend to be withdrawn in my own world, rethinking and wandering in my own thoughts, some times too depressed and sometimes too excited...but it is just me. Can't change this...

I am going on with the social experiment for a couple more days and then I will share the results here. I would love tho improve my personality somehow, to grow a little more, to evolve.

(I would also love to improve my English 'till the end of this year because I have so much more to tell and write. The lack of words is killing me sometimes...considering a language summer course if there is enough free time)

събота, април 17, 2010

Long working week...

I don't know about the other people but my favorite time to work is when there is  no one around me. So working in Saturday and Sunday is not so bad. Except that this week I am so disorientated that I make stupid mistakes all the time and my tasks are going slowly devouring all of my energy...
All hell is breaking loose...See this video. It is great...

Watch more cool animation and creative cartoons at Aniboom

четвъртък, април 15, 2010

People...words and something more...

I was waiting for some documents on one really long queue. So there were two hours to observe what I like most to study. People. I love to watch them. For me they are like grey mass without personality until you get really close. I have found that you shouldn't give them too much attention 'cause they tend to forget how to behave. But after all if you don't get too personal they seem to be different, somewhat distant, unknown and pretty interesting. I met quite friends while I was waiting. It was great chatting with them but the reason for this post is another.
The reason is one woman. Or more exactly her way of talking to one of the men in the queue. She was slightly bended towards him, head down, with low voice, whispering in his ear. I was standing right behind him so I heard her. I didn't want to, it just happened. Her way of talking was calm and steady but the words that were coming from her were full of poison and hatred. They were so intense, so bad and so painful to hear...and still there was no obvious emotion in them. What shocked me? Well, there he stood without a single sound of rebellion. No anything, even a mutter. 
This man was so lost. I felt utterly miserable. I needed to tell him that she was just bad person, that these were words of poison, that he didn't needed to hear them.
People are bad. They are corrupted creatures without souls. They are the only real evil in this world...and still...
I waited for her to go away. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest. Well, I thought, You are getting paranoid. You don't need to tell him anything. You don't know him. He was standing in front of me. Eyes down, no smile, no life...
Forget it!
And I stopped him. I told him that she is evil, that these words are poisonous, that he doesn't need to listen to her, that he is something more...
He smiled. And my panic melted away...      

вторник, април 13, 2010

Fresh start in the city

It is raining. Again. Subtle, calm, spring rain. It is making to most tranquil noises over the roofs and pavements, over the heads of all the busy people at the bus-stop, over me. It is wet. Nothing unusual here, all the water is wet. I look up and then down to my shoes. Poor fellas. All mud and grease from the cars. The city is dirty and ugly with grayish sky and lack of colors, but I like it.  
The bus comes. Full to its maximum. Smelly, humid and uncomfortable. I think that probably is better to go for a long walk to my house. My laziness wins over me and I get in despite the mass of people in this tin can. Is is loud in there and utterly disgusting. Only ten minutes and I will be home, I think as I hold my breath.
Ten minutes later I am on my bus-stop. As I go down I step in a big puddle...seconds later I am wet from tip to toes. 
Well. Sometimes I hate this city, but can't hold my smile. 

неделя, април 11, 2010

Nowhere to be found...

I am totally lost in my inner pain. So unfortunately stunned before my inner self. My soul hurts, my being is feeling torn apart. I do not know where I am. Nor do I care. I walk and I do not see the people. There is sun out there, warm light and shining rays between the branches, there are the fresh wind and the soft touch of his butterfly kisses, there is the whole city alive and breathing... and I walk alone-my soul hidden in the most dark corner.
I think I am going mental for real, my fight with my depression is killing me. And no, this time I do not want to give up. I really try hard about it.

And why is this? Because of my need to feel part of something? For my selfishness and egocentric way of life? Am I to be blamed about my struggles? Am I to be judged for my way to deal with people?
I left my soul in the fridge, as they say in one Bulgarian film, and in my case it is really this way in the last six months or so. And lately I find that some common people related loosely to me try to FIX me. Bad idea. It makes me even more miserable.
There is no cure for something that is not real, just as in the case of the self-inflicted happiness, I am in self-inflicted pain. And I know for sure: it isn't easy to live this way, everyday, all the time...