сряда, декември 22, 2010

A monologue for my soul

I am alone this night- a monologue with an intended recipient for the first time. I write to be heard, to be understand because I am lost. And I am angry. And I am pissed so badly. This night I will embrace my old friend the insomnia and I hope that at the end paying with my health and own pain will give him the answers he craves. Again. And everything will change. 

You want me to share. You drive me crazy until I hit the invisible line and then... you are gone. Again. And then as always I am stuck in front of the digital white sheet with tears in my eyes and a pain deep inside me. Again. Like in a magical circle I cannot get out. And you condemn my soul to the torture you want to evade. 

But this time it is different. The girl in the silver cage is mad. So mad that her hands tremble in anger. The tide is coming and the frantic thoughts that fill me are getting out...I have no wonders if you love me or not, nether I question your desires. I just don't understand why you always push me to my self-destruct mode and then back-off. Do I entertain you this way? Are you curios? Because I am not. And I hate it.

I submissively stay at your side. I am tender and smiling even when I am tired. I wait for you to share patiently. I crave your touch every minute. When you turn your back my heart starts to beat faster, my chest aches and I wait for the simplest sign that you are still there. I beg. I beg for things that you do not give me. But I stay nevertheless. The game is on with your rules. You can do whatever you want and I am there to listen, to comply, to succumb to your will. If we are a team, and I believe so, I am the hidden one. But I evolve and change. Every minute. 

...and then we start this conversation again for uncounted time. and everything is the same until the moment of the revelation: you control yourself every moment, you want to shut me up, you ask for my self-control. i can do it. no problems with that. a soft body and a soul elsewhere. a soft touch without the sparks in my eyes... i can do it. i can be more refined, more controlled, more submissive, more plain, more sharing and no more myself. 

Do I love you? Yes, more than my sanity. Do you make me cry? Yes, you do. Why is that? Because you want tears, because you want the walls I build shredded to pieces, because you want to control my sadness. And still... you are the truly sad one. You stay at the bed and watch me. You think all the time. You want me to go back to my past even when I don't need it. I have been lied, you have been too. Maybe. I don't know because I do not ask you and I accept everything as a whole. Not like sliced pages and fragments. Not like someone who has two faces and uses them in different situations. Not the way you think of me. You tell me that you want to embrace me, I just do it. I show you my love all the time but at the end when I am away you tend to search for something more.

...and guess what I think when I am alone... do I make you truly happy? the man who describes himself  with dead eyes, who doesn't know how to love any more, who has lost his hope and trust, the one who takes what he wants... do I make you feel completed? do I meet your expectations? do I bore you sometimes? I do not think about anybody else, ask whoever you want of my friends, ask Her if you want... I talk about you so much that some of them forbade me to do so...

I am scared. Badly. And then again this night there will be nobody to hug me. And I will suffer. And it will change me a little. Again. And someday I will rethink it. And then I will suffer more. Life is about paying all the little prices. I won't be me if you ask me so, but at the end you will get tired. 

Why can't we choose the easy path? We are the same deep inside. With all your troubles and pain.

понеделник, ноември 08, 2010

Mein Herz Brennt...

There is no Sandman to collect my hot tears...

There is actually no one. Even I do not want to be in this self constructed cell. In my room I am the only warm and breathing thing. And it will be like this many more nights. I endure them in my self made world of dreams but sometimes I feel so tired that it is impossible to maintain the fantasy. 

And my heart burns...

Yes. And this is such moment. Sometimes I would like to let go and flow with my depression because in her I create the most beautiful and meaningful things, in her am a fish in water, in her I bloom and progress as I search for the divine balance... am a sad person? Or a happy one? Am I what I was? I lay with my closed eyes and listen to my music. She flows all around me and gives me tender kisses, she takes away my pain and recreates me so on the next day I am again complete. But everything starts again when the dark falls. My music, my self-made world and the inhuman want to be home. Home is where your heart is, the people say. Does that means that my heart is currently shredded to little pieces all over the world? Will these pieces glue again together? Will they fuse?

Even if they do, the scars will be visible...

My duality is showing through. My hell is breaking loose. My heart blackmails me. My longing is so intense. What will happen when my sad soul pour over you? Will you listen? Will you see then the happy, dancing, calm woman in me... when there will be none. 
...and when I hear the joy of other I feel anguish and hate. I want to get away... really away. I want to cry with screams but they will hear. I want to hurt myself just to have the right to do it. 

I want you to see the ghost. She might wave you back after all...

I am the living proof what happens when you left a really closed introvert in a situation which she doesn't like but knows that has to endure for her own good. 

Clench your fists and beat the wall until you bleed, burn yourself in the fire, strangle yourself in the sheets...procreate in your inner pain.

неделя, октомври 17, 2010

Dreaming for my men again

I am alone in my bed and thinking... I have the time of the world in my hands and here I have no friends so I can't share my personal doubts. Am I no one in a far away land? 

So I lay in my bed, looking through the glass and daydream. The ghosts of "my men" are here. The only ones who always listen. Always hungry for everything that is me. My words, my songs, my wants, my needs, my depressions, my love, my sexual appeal, my unforgiving look, my smile, my tears, my joy, my cry, my everlasting self-indulgence in the inner pain of the individual that I am.

Here he stands. He sends me kisses as always. He never misses a single day to ask me how everything is going. He was and is my helping hand, he works hard to see me satisfied. He stays awake through many nights so I can sleep calmly in my bed. Writing these lines makes tears to show up in my eyes... Indeed he is the first man in my life and I joke that I am his first woman. He made me what I am, his absence,his joy, his cold green eyes. From him I took my way of talking, my secrets, my confidence, my all...

I love to touch him and he lets me do it although he hates. I tend to go to his bed and sleep with him when I am distressed. I see him as something earthy and true. Someone who knows what is the real world and wants to protect me. In my darkest moments he just stays pointlessly with me... he never leaves my side when I need help and he does understand me without a single spoken word.

One dear friend of mine who wants to clone me by the way said that I must not count the days because time is very tricky thing, a selfish one who loves to disturb people's life. I definitely agree with him. He also said that I am the sweetest girl he knows in the whole universe and he is really sorry that I am taken at this very moment. Gotta love this boy. He also send me Led Zeppelin song. Gotta love him indeed.

And then here comes the man who ripped my heart and tore me open, who lied, who didn't cherish my life, who didn't really want me, who made me weaker and who used me. The man because of which my life was living hell for seven months and because of which I made so stupid things. I wish you no harm. Just pointless existence. I would tear him apart. But there is no use of that.

Three moments later other face crossed my mind. I met him on one strange location and I left him wondering if we would see each other again. I was attracted. May be he was too. I would never know. I never asked, he never told me. When we walked with no direction just to be together I was the most happiest girl in the world. And so miserable a few moments later. I look him and there are the most stunning green eyes with some naughty sparks in there. He always wants to see my smile, he cherish my tears and hugs me dearly when we are together. He seeks the beauty in the world and is chosen positivist. He had lost so much so early in his life that I have cried for him. He reminds me of something free and I love his body that irradiates heat. I love to sit on some bench with him in my hands or his head over my shoulder. And still...

These are my thoughts... a romantic display that he doesn't like. A romantic display which make me tremble and cry. This is me. In a very sensual way. A real inner inside. The other side of the coin. 

Here I am. Alone and with my eyes closed but I can see him so clearly. Apart of the sexual tension between us, apart of that animal need and want which drives us one into another and is the reason to meet each other... apart of that stays the inner want to be with him. There is nothing so special about it. I just feel that anything is less important, colourless, greyish and meaningless when he is not around. It is not love, nor pure lust. It is like finding the half of your soul in a form that makes you happy. Edit: Actually it is love and pure lust. I had the time to rethink this sentence. Love indeed. And lust definitely. Combined with the notion of being happy...
I who stay alone and cry in my dark chambers, I who need a stronger dominating person to control me and then again I who struggle...
I write letters and then I tear them up because I think that they are useless. Is there something that he doesn't know about me which I would share anyway? Is there a way to let him see through me for at least a second? Why I write here after all? It is been a while since I cried my soul away. And he hates my tears. He hates to see me bleeding even he doesn't really knows why. Even I don't know why. 
I long to trace the line of his spine. To pass my fingertips over the dimples of his backbone. To caress his sensitive skin with my breath and make him shiver. I want to see the goosebumps on his pecks, pass my tongue in the small space between his clavicles and moist the skin there and then tilt my head back and let him kiss me. If he wants... Then I will go down on my knees but never losing visual contact... 
Sometimes I want just to explore him. Better. The learn every pore of his being if he lets me do it. I would stay awake and watch him how he sleeps, I would breath and inhale his essence. As I did at our first meeting... For a moment I would put aside the animal thing and get myself on higher personal lever. Or try it. It is not the urge to reveal his secrets or to expose him, I could never do that anyway. As NIN sing in "Closer": Help me tear down my reason  Help me; it's your sex I can smell  Help me; you make me perfect  Help me become somebody else ...

I love to shut my mind to all and remember partial moments of my life. And to be honest I don't really have any memories from my late years. I tend to forget them on purpose. I just erase them. 
But now the only way to fall asleep is to remember. Again and again. And yes. The pain leaves traces. Even the good one...

понеделник, септември 27, 2010

And I miss...

I spend my time in Valencia wonderful, I have many interesting tasks to do, some wishes to  fulfil and many more places to see. But in the middle of my sleepless nights I realize that I miss so many things... 

...and I miss them mostly in the night hours when I am all alone in my bed.

Most of all I think about my family: I miss my brother's laught and my mum's morning kisses, I miss my daddy's green eyes and deep voice...

I miss my street with the missing lights, I miss my places, I miss my bar, my club and my daily tea... And I miss her... my half, my soul. It is so strong that sometimes tears come to my eyes and my voice starts to tremble.

And there I go... every second here I feel the emptiness by my side, the cold wall instead of his warm body, the impossible need to touch him, to kiss him, to breath him... I feel want and desire, inexplicable surge of emotions every time I think about him. And then I force a smile for my missing angel/devil with the serious expression on his face, the blazing green eyes, the strong jaw line which I love to touch and caress.

I will make a confession... in my short life I've never felt this torn apart. Never.

...92 days more...

сряда, септември 01, 2010

And I...

I want to cry my soul away from my body. I want to tear apart my limbs in frustration. And then go back in my dark cave to hide my misery from the rest of the people. I will be apart for very long time. I am tortured and tired, so lost, so frustrated... defenseless, left alone. 
As I sit in my bed and cry in silence in my mind echo words of disbelief. I have never felt this way in my life before. And I pray that I will never feel it again. Because this causes me inner pain, this burns me from my inside and makes me weak.

...

And I stay in silence...
And I cannot believe what my eyes see... but there is not enough strength in my body to close them. There is no escape...
And so I just stay and listen...

...

And I bleed for the first time for many years...

сряда, август 18, 2010

I confess... Family Affair, Moods, Fear and Pain

I am feeling somewhat weak and bad. It is an inner projection of my scarce scary thoughts. I tend to think too much lately and desperately try to hide it away. But it doesn't always work this way. Some thoughts and fears want to come out. So I will let them out here.


Like drops of water which reflect the light and make it a rainbow I have one truly dear to me person. I have been there for him all my life, I protected him, I was saved by him, I love him, I will gladly die for him if needed and I know for sure that he will too, he is my shining light, my savior and pain sometimes, my greatest worries and my calm salvation,  he is my clear judgement in need of decision, my flesh and bone, my soul mate, my one and only.He is not perfect, neither am I. We fight sometimes, we do not agree one with another. We have strange ways for expressing our love but we know undoubtedly that it is there. When I need to cry I run to him, when I need to be soothed I go into his arms. He knows me better and sees through me. We do not share our secrets, we do not talk too much, we do not expect fake smiles. We show our anger and our feelings, we have ways to let the other just know...and now I will be leaving. I will be far away from him for the first time in my life. And, God! I am so scared! In such pain. My misery tastes like the salt of my silent tears over my lips...because I weep in agony as I write this...because I know that I will miss him more than air, I will miss his smile, his cocky demeanor, his wit and wisdom, his strong hands and bass voice. I fear for myself...because without him I really am lost.

He won't read this. He doesn't know about it. And I won't tell him.

I am distressed. Apart of these feelings I shall confess that I am in physical pain. My throat still aches a little. My headache is so strong that I lose my balance sometimes. My body muscles hurt badly, my neck, ribs, back and neck are too sensitive right now. So as I try to escape this pain I sleep through the day and stay awake to the early morning hours... combine this with the unbearable heat that is everywhere and you will get one really pissed version of me. I want rain and clean air. The dust that is covering the city is awful. The sun is blinding, the sky grayish, the streets too hard to cross...



So what options are there for me? To stay and stare in one point or to let myself go just for a couple of hours and forget it all... for a little. Then it all comes back. Strong and violent. Today I was asked what is "domination and control", a tagline that stays on my Skype... And I will tell. A couple years ago I played Guild Wars and chose to be a mesmer, a powerful class who controls with domination, control, illusions and fears.Otherwise harmless and weak the mesmer was the real metaphor of my existence because to this day I still try to control every aspect of my life. And I always get what I want without naming it. I still do. I hate calling things, I hate telling what my feelings are...and I still play Guild wars when I need a way to let out the steam...

...and I smile sometimes.

photos: lost and taken free textures

петък, август 13, 2010

Droplets, Falling Stars and me

I stay in my bed in the early morning hours of Friday 13, my throat aches a little, my legs shake uncontrollably... and I just can"t stop smiling. It is a cheerful, sincere, serene smile with all my three dimples showing. Although I really miss my "happy people" I feel so overjoyed now. 

Also I am so calm as I never have been before.

I need, no I must get some sleep because tomorrow (or today) is going to be really long day, but I don't care about this anymore. It was a wonderful night with the man who makes my spine tingle, my knees go weak, my head spin with a single touch and in seconds all my skin is covered in goose bumps. It was an evening with lots of nice chat with new friends, some board games that I enjoy greatly, nice music, tasty food, fantastic homemade Creme Brulee for dessert (kiss the cook!), a trip to the mountain, night view of the city which I love despite everything, beautiful falling stars in a sky with the perfect Milky Way with appropriate soundtrack, hugs, kisses, laying on a blanket, making some great personal wishes (14 more to go!) and warm welcoming bed...

And here I am now. Thinking as always. Questioning myself through this blog. Answering the asked in empty lines and the spaces between these words. I tend to analyze every aspect and think too much over it. Over and over again. Here are they. My random, unsorted, unformulated, uncensored thoughts. Right here, Right now. With a smile over my face. 

It happens- I see some things that I do not want to understand, nor I want to know. There are so many signs that can make me tremble in fear and anticipation. And God I am scared! And God, I miss the only person who can read my soul without my guidance...and I need to talk. I need her advice and reassuring touch. On another side I know that there are only a couple of days left till our meeting and I try to breath slowly...

Is there a way to explain the surge of ultimate happiness and serenity that brings me somebody's aroma? Is there a logical explanation of my reactions at all? All that bitchy crap about the emotional side of the women may be is right! I have never, ever in my life been so emotional, so uncontrolled, so forgiving and so soft. Pure horror. I feel my soul exposed and sometimes even a joke makes my hearth freeze for a second and skip a heartbeat.

Do I really read the opposite standing in front of me or I invent some reality that is far away from the truth?

Or how do I know all the intricate spirals of the laws of attraction? 

How to stop myself from something that I want so badly that it hurts? Is it a must or not to stop? Where are the borders? Does a droplet brake the bent?

I still fear... for many reasons some of which I still can't explain. And I desperately try to avoid this feeling of utterly misery. After all I still smile, my knees still tremble slightly and my skin is filled with the perfect aroma that I crave.
And he is staying here for good...(13 wishes more to go)...

понеделник, август 09, 2010

Hollow

I'm sick again. For second time in 2 weeks. This time it is quite serious. Even more than the last time. This makes me feel hollow because I have no energy to even get up from my bed. I hate this state for more than one reason. Firstly it brings painful memories from my last operation. Second It makes me rethink one aspect or another of my past life and ... well,it just sucks, to be honest!
My blood cells are too low,so no more sport activities for me. And no other activities as well. I will have to lay in my bed in the middle of my last summer vacation and just do nothing. It may sound good but in reality is so boring and exhausting. My white blood cells are 1.5 times higher than normal and this causes fatigue, high temperature and headache.

Apart of that I have some inner doubts and because I have time to rethink them they take form. I can't describe my fears to their full extends but they consume me slowly. I miss my happy people, those people which presence makes my day joyful and worth living...

The only lovely thing in my life is a pair of greenish eyes...love ya, dzwer!

петък, август 06, 2010

Lacks...

I tried to sleep last night, I even got to my bed earlier. It didn't work. Now I feel even more tired than before... these couple of weeks the sleep is eluding me. I always wake up tired or wake up in the small hours of the day without the ability to sleep after that. 

The last time in which I remember to have slept without a problem was one Saturday afternoon after a very long party. And now as I rethink the situation and  I remember the tender long fingers that traced my forehead, the small giggles and sounds, the caring expression for my bruises... blond curls that tickle my skin when she bends towards me, the easy way of talking and sharing some precious thoughts, reassuring me when I have doubts... I sense the empty cavity in my daily life that this certain person left. And I want it back.

I have the feeling that I need some time for myself with myself... my other alter ego. 


photo:~Anything-Goes

четвъртък, август 05, 2010

Being me after so many years

I found this pending post written in my notebook. I was wondering is it necessary to post it but at the end decided to do so because of some inner doubts. Here it  is. Do not read it! :)

...being me after so many years. It is frightening and intriguing at the same time. Somewhere down deep inside my soul the chill still wanders but I know for sure that I don't care for it anymore. I don't care for many things anymore. 

...feeling the trembling breath on my back, anticipating the pain from the bites. You are quick and you always surprise me, always show me something new and so I wait patiently blinded and still. I know for sure that I would wear your marks all over my tired body. And I want to do it again. Because of the possession, of the self-indulgence in the unknown sensations. Bruises,  blue marks, bite marks, marks from your fingers, marks on my body and soul. Caressing my inner thighs and giving me all the peace of the world. And so I lay still...
...I know that I will wake up earlier but I do not feel sorry about it. The ultimate pleasure is to stay with my eyes tightly closed shut to be there to hear the firsts stirs and the sounds of your awakening...

...and then when I go out the blissful feeling makes my knees weak, a hot wave pushes through my chest and makes me dizzy. And then I stop my pace to catch my breath and control my heartbeat. The pleasure lingers, the aroma is still in the air and the strength of the sensation is just wonderful...

...being me after so many year indeed makes me unique.

date: 30-31.07.2010

петък, юли 23, 2010

Lost and found

I drank myself to sleep...yesterday seems to be so far away that I can't correctly remember all the details. I have no power to get up from my bed. My back, arms, throat, head ache in agony. I would open my eyes if there was any energy to do that, but there's none. Thankfully, because I find the light painful right now.  

I am sick again. In the middle of a perfect summer. Three types of medicine, two antibiotics, some pills for the headache. No appetite. No will to get up. I really hate my sour throat. No ice-cream, noting fizzy, no cold dishes. For three long weeks. I call this no living.

So I lay in my bed with my laptop on my knees and rethink some passed things as always. I tend to think too much. It is part of my ever wondering nature... the "what if's" are killing me sometimes. As I lay I recall some of my inner thoughts and try to moderate them, to give them well-defined form, to strip them from my emotion. What if the rest of the world knows all my weaknesses? What if I show too much affection? What if my personality gets bored too fast? What if they get bored too fast of me? What if there is no one to call in the middle of a bad dream? What if I can't sleep and lay awake too many nights? 

My exhibitionism is a raging storm right now. I hate confined spaces. I hate to be ill and not strong enough. I hate to be alone with my desires when I do not want to face them again.

вторник, юни 29, 2010

Rediscovering the water in darkness

It was a long week. It started with friends, some wild dances, happiness and unexpected meeting. I am grateful for my survival to this Sunday, because, God, it was a hard week
Whatever happens I should be alright. Been there, done that.This is one post that I feel so hard to write. But it is a must. I know that I need to let it all out. Right now. Only here.

...10 minutes later...
Always hide yourself. Don't let the other people discover you. Do not let your inner self out. It is useless, nobody could ever see through you. People so complicated are considered mad...

...3 songs later...
There you go. You let all your inner doubts away. 

...5 more songs...or near 20 minutes of emptiness...
You feel. Domination and control. You slip and fall. Nobody is there to catch you. Feeling  your mind back away and your primal instincts just kick in. And they kick you in the ribs, bite your neck and lips, play with your tongue, pull your hair...pull it even harder, let you bend your back...let you forget the lust and need, give you peace and push you to the ground...
Where is the catch? What makes you scream in ecstasy and then makes you shut your eyes hard? Where the hell is that ultimate feeling of lost self control? Why the physical pain relieves you from your fears? And how pain and pleasure mix and intertwine? 

...6 hours...and how I hate myself now...

...and then you rediscover what you will always know...

Violate all the love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

сряда, юни 16, 2010

He kept his promises and fulfilled my wishes...

It rains...strong and violent, with long lashes of water and turbulent wind which bends over the trees. It rains again. At last my prayers were heard. I have to share this freshly made photo of the summer storm.
And now there is a fresh air to breathe and crystal clear droplets of water over my windows. 
I feel nice and calm. 

Sleepless heat...

I passed my projects again. For 8th time. Two more times to go and one diploma project in the making. Yay for me. Just that. I am happy with the results partly because of the excruciating long sleepless nights and the lack of social company. They say that humans are social creatures. I don´t believe them really. What social creature can stay in its confined space for more than a week without going out? Or worst? Why I want only to be left alone after so many selfishly wasted hours in front of my PC?
I walk to the nearest store to grab something refreshing. Water and may be some ice tea. All is dust and heavy air. Hot time...summer in the city...heat. Too much for my taste...I want it to rain so badly...I want rain, water, poodles and happy little kids who run around without taking notice of their shouting mothers.
And then I look up to the sky thanks to one certain phone call.

me: Yeah?
she: Look to the sky my dear...it is beautiful. You should take a picture of it...
me: Sure. Wait to grab my camera...
she: The light is Perfect for shooting right now...
me: I know.  

It was perfect indeed. 

понеделник, май 10, 2010

A damsel in distress

I had a wonderful long weekend. These last three days were great in many ways. Apart from my constant deja-vues and alternative endings the time goes in only one direction. Straight ahead. I want a rewind. I want it really badly. Someone who wants to lend me a time machine?

I am outside. Alone. Not physically but in my mind. My head is empty. No thoughts, no hopes, no expectations. As I pull the air painfully in my chest I try to remember how to breathe properly. It is not working. I cross my point of view with a stranger who hides himself in a black hole. He looks back. The lack of emotions is strikingly closer to my being. I close my eyes and as I slowly open them again I realize that I am sitting in a park. Trees, benches, crossing people with small dogs. Everything is so vivid and green. The sky is deep blue, there are few nicely shaped white clouds. 
Then it begins to rain. For a moment it crosses my mind to hide somewhere, I discard this thought too fast and turning my face to the sky, my lips curve in a slight smile. Big, slow, heavy drops of water which hitting my skin leave a dark trail on the settled dust behind. I look at the ground, the grass is all around me. It tickles my bared ankles and evokes long forgotten needs. Deep in me, I feel the urge to lay my tired body over it. To sit quietly for five minutes there. To stay still. 
I am a damsel in distress. I have to scream for help but the words don't want to come out. As I realize that there is no real need to show my weakness, I see that there is no one who could handle the chaos in me.

неделя, май 02, 2010

Words...published

All the words I got from my social experiment. Read and enjoy:
  • mad, crazy , marvelous 
  • me is you
  • smart, funny and strange
  • disciplined, will-driven, friendly
  • charming strange woman
  • who loves purple
  • intelligent, filmed, sexy
  • temperament, outgoing, perfectionist
  • charismatic, play, funky
  • crazy, art, pain
  • aroma, smile, velvet
  • interesting, magical, with strong spirit
  • tranquility, spring, smile
  • natural, intelligent, too much tends to rethink some situations
  • irritatingly intelligent (smartie!) 
  • creative, fighter, born to be winner
  • architectural rabbit
  • little sun, friendly face
  • treasure
I am still collecting if someones wants to share their opinion.

сряда, април 28, 2010

My songs...

There are some songs that evoke in me strong emotions, some of them are really close to make me cry when I hear them. As you know I love the voice of Blackie Lawless and Heaven's hung in Black is one of my favorite songs. But here I want to share other type of songs. They are not only my favorite but describe me in so many ways. Here they are with part of the lyrics that I love:

  • I start with In Flames- Evil in a closet. I can listen to this song forever literally. some times I put her on repeat and keep her this way for hours.
Yell at me, I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall
I wish that I could say... I wish that I could be your evil... your evil in a closet
  • Second best and close to me is Deep Purple- When a blind man cries. There is nothing more to say.
I'm a blind man, I'm a blind man and my world is pale.
When a blind man cries, Lord, you know there ain't no sadder tale.
I'm only happy when it rains
I'm only happy when it's complicated
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
And why it feels so good to feel so sad
I'm only happy when it rains 

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me 

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
You can keep me company as long as you don't care

I'm only happy when it rains
You wanna hear about my new obsession
I'm riding high upon a deep depression
I'm only happy when it rains 

I invite you to be with me when it rains sometimes...

Talks about Plans and Dreams?

Well, I had this five hour really interesting talk with one certain person. It rarely occurs with other people apart of  Nev but she doesn't count so...  
Apart of his opinion that I am deeply depressed and from mine that he is too overjoyed (well, this is the truth: I am depressed, he is overjoyed and happy ) we were talking about my dreams or plans,as I call them. I have no dreams. I have wishes and goals, sometimes even a hope that something will happen, but no dreams. Not even a one! I have fears thought and lately they tend to get even stronger. No pink glasses for me this time! But as I was standing alone in my bed and it was around 4 a.m I was wondering.
I don't know why I don't posses any dreaming ability. May be it is just natural and normal or it is a social skill that I can't master. I am not too good with the social things you know. Tolerating people is kind of hard for me. They often annoy me too easy and I just ignore them. Grey masses as I love to say. When I was in Ninth Grade my Psychology teacher said that I am asocial. She wasn't right because I describe myself as antisocial. Sometimes I really fight the urge of killing someone slowly...and I do it mentally still smiling. 
Another paradox. I always smile. Even when I am truly sad and I prefer to scream. My old and good friends say that you can see it in my eyes and there is no need to hide it. My beloved Anda knows that this is part of me somehow. I still do it despite their opinion for the mass of unknown, foreign people. My sadness is all mine and I treasure it. She is like a good friend who is always there and always ready to listen. In the long nights of sleep deprivation and hard work and coffees (I hate coffee, I really do!) my sadness is my own guiding light and power. So personally I prefer to not display her freely but only in front of two or three people. Here I need to clarify that if you had hold me in your arms while I am at the bottom of my own pit you are a special one for me. Forever.
I am what I am. I don't come in variables. It is just that in my all complexity is hard to get to know me. Hell yeah! Even I do not know myself fully. And I do not let people get too close. Never. Ever. Better for their mental health and my own sanity.

As we were talking and I was thinking over his words about the happiness and understanding...everyone has an opinion you know... sometimes I wish that I could change mine.

photo: me

вторник, април 27, 2010

Old thoughts in a book (part one)

Today I was searching for my long lost PIN code for my credit card at home and by pure incident I found an old notebook full with some of my thoughts about myself and my life. It was put aside with some of my old poems and short stories. As I was reading the text I was purely amazed from the lack of change in my personality these 4 or five years. I guess I am all the same, all the time. Someday 'Gotta stop pretending, but anyway...the book has a name: Walks within me without my presence. There is a short writing from it. More like an introduction.

This is the description of whatever you want.
Me. In all my dimensions.
Good and Bad.
I'll share everything which you might want to know about me.
It is going to be a long list because I am hard personality to understand.
Bipolar and full of paradoxes. Contradicting the reality.

Me. And all about me.A walk in my inner self.
Somewhere there where I do not belong.


I intend to post every single page from it. Part by part. For better understanding...as I said "Someday I Gotta stop pretending" but until this day I will keep on smiling.






четвъртък, април 22, 2010

In a perfect way...only three words

I would like to have the flexibility to describe myself in a perfect way with three words. It is impossible for now. I started a social experiment for this reason. When I see some of my friends I ask them for the three words which cross their minds when they think of me. They often do not want to share their opinion. Can't tell why. Maybe there is a lurking fear that I would not like what they tell me. So if I get a comment it turns out that it is always nice.
To be honest I would not like to be called vain, plain or maybe something else. But I won't be mad about it. (well, this is a little lie...I will be mad as hell for 2 minutes but I won't tell them anyway) I know that I am a lousy loser and I often tend to be withdrawn in my own world, rethinking and wandering in my own thoughts, some times too depressed and sometimes too excited...but it is just me. Can't change this...

I am going on with the social experiment for a couple more days and then I will share the results here. I would love tho improve my personality somehow, to grow a little more, to evolve.

(I would also love to improve my English 'till the end of this year because I have so much more to tell and write. The lack of words is killing me sometimes...considering a language summer course if there is enough free time)

събота, април 17, 2010

Long working week...

I don't know about the other people but my favorite time to work is when there is  no one around me. So working in Saturday and Sunday is not so bad. Except that this week I am so disorientated that I make stupid mistakes all the time and my tasks are going slowly devouring all of my energy...
All hell is breaking loose...See this video. It is great...


Watch more cool animation and creative cartoons at Aniboom

четвъртък, април 15, 2010

People...words and something more...

I was waiting for some documents on one really long queue. So there were two hours to observe what I like most to study. People. I love to watch them. For me they are like grey mass without personality until you get really close. I have found that you shouldn't give them too much attention 'cause they tend to forget how to behave. But after all if you don't get too personal they seem to be different, somewhat distant, unknown and pretty interesting. I met quite friends while I was waiting. It was great chatting with them but the reason for this post is another.
The reason is one woman. Or more exactly her way of talking to one of the men in the queue. She was slightly bended towards him, head down, with low voice, whispering in his ear. I was standing right behind him so I heard her. I didn't want to, it just happened. Her way of talking was calm and steady but the words that were coming from her were full of poison and hatred. They were so intense, so bad and so painful to hear...and still there was no obvious emotion in them. What shocked me? Well, there he stood without a single sound of rebellion. No anything, even a mutter. 
This man was so lost. I felt utterly miserable. I needed to tell him that she was just bad person, that these were words of poison, that he didn't needed to hear them.
...
People are bad. They are corrupted creatures without souls. They are the only real evil in this world...and still...
...
I waited for her to go away. My heart was pounding heavily in my chest. Well, I thought, You are getting paranoid. You don't need to tell him anything. You don't know him. He was standing in front of me. Eyes down, no smile, no life...
...
Forget it!
...
And I stopped him. I told him that she is evil, that these words are poisonous, that he doesn't need to listen to her, that he is something more...
...
He smiled. And my panic melted away...      

вторник, април 13, 2010

Fresh start in the city

It is raining. Again. Subtle, calm, spring rain. It is making to most tranquil noises over the roofs and pavements, over the heads of all the busy people at the bus-stop, over me. It is wet. Nothing unusual here, all the water is wet. I look up and then down to my shoes. Poor fellas. All mud and grease from the cars. The city is dirty and ugly with grayish sky and lack of colors, but I like it.  
The bus comes. Full to its maximum. Smelly, humid and uncomfortable. I think that probably is better to go for a long walk to my house. My laziness wins over me and I get in despite the mass of people in this tin can. Is is loud in there and utterly disgusting. Only ten minutes and I will be home, I think as I hold my breath.
Ten minutes later I am on my bus-stop. As I go down I step in a big puddle...seconds later I am wet from tip to toes. 
Well. Sometimes I hate this city, but can't hold my smile. 

неделя, април 11, 2010

Nowhere to be found...

I am totally lost in my inner pain. So unfortunately stunned before my inner self. My soul hurts, my being is feeling torn apart. I do not know where I am. Nor do I care. I walk and I do not see the people. There is sun out there, warm light and shining rays between the branches, there are the fresh wind and the soft touch of his butterfly kisses, there is the whole city alive and breathing... and I walk alone-my soul hidden in the most dark corner.
I think I am going mental for real, my fight with my depression is killing me. And no, this time I do not want to give up. I really try hard about it.

And why is this? Because of my need to feel part of something? For my selfishness and egocentric way of life? Am I to be blamed about my struggles? Am I to be judged for my way to deal with people?
I left my soul in the fridge, as they say in one Bulgarian film, and in my case it is really this way in the last six months or so. And lately I find that some common people related loosely to me try to FIX me. Bad idea. It makes me even more miserable.
There is no cure for something that is not real, just as in the case of the self-inflicted happiness, I am in self-inflicted pain. And I know for sure: it isn't easy to live this way, everyday, all the time...

сряда, март 17, 2010

Shhh!


Shhh...silence! I do not want to hear anymore!

Shhh...Stop it! Do not tear apart the perfect, subtile peace of beauty...
Shhh...There is no need to say anything right now, just listen... 

Don't you have the feeling that some people often talk to much, but nevertheless say nothing important? That for them the words do not posses real meaning and are only a way to become center of atention? 

I do. And it happens all the time. 

But OTHER people know what the words are, and they use then in a way that makes me smile. THESE people know how to make me cry and laught, to tear me apart and put me back together. I am so glad  for their existence...even when their words make me sad for what I have become.

Photo: Nenata-ve Model: me

събота, март 13, 2010

In me...happiness and other things...

I try to be happy. I try really hard to be so...and I succeeded this time. I was skiing for ten days and it was fantastic, perfect and purifying  for my body and soul.

събота, януари 02, 2010

New Year Wish

I hope that this year I will finally find some peace and understanding in my surroundings. I also wish that I could do things better and improve. That I will find someone new to love and something new to do. That I will learn to take risks and face the consequences bravely. That my choices would be right or, alas, if wrong I will correct them fast.
I wish I could escape from the gray atmosphere of may day-to-day living and find new goals.
Progress...this is all I wish.